How to Smoke a cigarette.

By Scott Castellano

12/7/2000

America's youth feels troubled. We try to establish ourselves as adults but no one wants to listen. How can we feel good about ourselves in this day in age without killing each other? Every day thousands of teens across the country pick up cigarettes and become smokers. Don't these people seem more attractive and mature? Don't they seem happier and more caring towards each other? Don't they seem fearless and mysterious? Don't you want to become cooler? Then join the wonders in which these people live. You can start today and you need only take a few simple steps to accomplish this goal.

Since the law says that you must 18 years old to purchase cigarettes, young readers may have trouble starting. However, do not let this get you down. Plenty of stores will sell you tobacco products regardless of age. Don't forget, many loyal smokers out there will buy the cigarettes for you if you only ask. Numerous vending machines and parents that smoke can also help immensely. If you're already 18, just go to a convenience store and get yourself a pack of your choosing. Whatever brand you choose you will become accustomed to. Once you have become accustomed, most other cigarette brands will taste nasty. So, it may seem more logical to pick the cheapest brand. Upon purchasing your cigarettes, get a cigarette lighter and some matches. Always try to have both in case the lighter breaks. Do not let yourself turn into the bum that constantly needs a light.

Please, do not read or listen to the Surgeon General's warning on the side of the pack of cigarettes. All that mumbo jumbo about heart disease, emphysema, lung cancer, impotence in men and fetal injury for pregnant women tricks you out of being happy. Just because this person has a Medical Degree or something does not give them the right to try to tell us what to do. With that aside, open the pack in an outside area to promote better health for your lungs. Take out one cigarette and put the filtered end in your mouth closing your lips around it. Put the pack back in your pocket or hide it somewhere safe. When you hold the cigarette, do so between the first two fingers of your hand. Now, use the matches or lighter to ignite the cigarette while you breathe in. Start breathing lightly, growing in strength as you go. Breathing in will draw the smoke into your mouth. Some people believe their job ends here. I warn you, the process has only begun.

With the smoke in your mouth, take the cigarette away keeping your lips closed. Next open your mouth just a little bit making sure that no smoke escapes. Breathe in again but, this time much harder, taking the smoke into your lungs. Hold the breath for a second or two and then exhale smoothly. When you need to flick away the ash, firm your grip on the filter then brush your thumb over the end of it. Other people turn the cigarette in their hands and then use their fingers to flick. However, any logically thinking smoker will agree that flicking like that wastes energy.

If you cough or choke, do not get alarmed. Your body is only rejecting the chemicals in the cigarette. Don't let your body push you around because after a few more cigarettes this will not happen. Then you will really start to enjoy smoking! Put the lighter back into you pocket and continue the inhaling and exhaling process until the tobacco in the cigarette has just about run out. Then toss the filter into the street or plant life, whichever is closest.

The positive effects of smoking should seep in almost immediately. You have just joined millions of smokers around the world. From the United States of America to the many countries of Europe. From the mountains of Asia to the jungles of Africa. From the liquor stores of the Soviet Union to the taco stands of South America. You have just become one of the great. Now people will look at you with respect. Now we can feel mature and walk the streets with pride. Now people will listen to us! You are the future of this planet, make the right decision, smoke. God bless.